Creative Limerence

Knowing Which Ideas Need Your Energy

I was talking to a private coaching client yesterday about her struggles with staying focused on one project. This is a common problem for creatives because we are wired to be idea machines. Ideas are fun. They’re exciting. We have so many of them! And there’s a thrill in diving into a new idea because it’s nothing but potential.

The problem is that all ideas eventually require work to pull off. That shiny new idea may enthrall you for a few days or a couple of weeks until the work of creating something to completion begins.

I have ADHD. I was diagnosed four years ago. Since then, I’ve learned a lot about my dopamine drive. New ideas create dopamine for me. I get crushes on new ideas. I obsess about them.

Have you heard of limerence? According to Psychology Today, limerence “can include obsessional thinking about the object of one’s limerent desire, an irrationally positive evaluation of that person’s attributes, and a longing for reciprocation. Limerence can make a person feel ecstatic, their mental life focused on a passionate, anxious desire.”

Creatives experience limerence with ideas. We obsess about the idea, we over idealize it, we anxiously long for it to pan out. Fantasy plays a big role in creative limerence, too. We’ll imagine our idea leading to hitting the NYT Bestseller list or winning us awards or being made into a movie.

The problem is that limerence isn’t the same as actual love. Often there is a crash out when the dopamine wears off. Sometimes there’s a transference when a new idea comes to us (usually following the moment we realize that making this idea happen will require a lot of work that we’re not actually willing to do). Suddenly this new idea—and there’s always a new idea—becomes the bright and shiny object that gets all of our attention.

So how do we know when an idea inspires us because of limerence versus a genuine desire to develop it into something concrete?

In my experience, limerent ideas usually have an element of external validation attached. These are projects that I think will impress people, are tied to a hot trend, or appeal to me because I think I can make a lot of money with it.

On the other hand, genuine passion projects are tied to self-validation. For example, I want to write about this topic because I want to learn more about the themes and ideas. Or, I want to write this story because I love stories like this but I haven’t found one written the way I want it written. I don’t feel needy about these ideas. I feel lit up by them.

Do you see the difference? Every time I have written something because it’s hot or because I think it will make a lot of money it’s been a miserable failure. But the stories I wrote because I felt connected to it personally somehow have always netted results—either they've sold well and/or I’ve grown as a writer by doing the work.

Now, look, we all have different things that motivate us. Some of my best writer friends are incredibly market and money driven and it works for them. No disrespect to them at all. But I’m writing to those of you who, like me, struggle to get projects done unless there’s emotional skin in the game.

This is also not to say that I don’t write for my audience. Of course I do. I’m a popular fiction writer. I want people to read my stories and I want to get paid to do it. However, I have learned that if I don’t have a genuine emotional connection to the story first then the story either won’t get written or won’t sell. I write for me first using the tools of writing popular fiction, trusting that if I love it so will my readers.

This is why I told my coaching client to get really honest with herself about her motivations for wanting to work on each idea that’s tugging on her at the moment. If a project is only on her radar because she thinks she should do it she believes there is external pressure to do so then she should question it.

Because the truth is our minds are kinda dumb. We have all sorts of beliefs about what the world expects of us that are just plain wrong. We think we have to project certain behaviors to be considered a “real writer.” We see other people having success doing things their way and we suddenly believe we won’t have success unless we do it that way, too. But the truth is that following someone else’s path because we think it will get us a desired outcome results in feeling even more like frauds.

You know what doesn’t make you feel like a fraud? Investing time and energy in ideas that light you up.

And your ideas must light you up. Why? Because once the initial shine dulls, you’re stuck there alone with your manuscript and nothing but 26 letters to use to get out of it. You’re doing the real work of being a writer, which is putting one word after another for a long, long time. Stephen King described it as feeling like you’re “shoveling shit from a seated position.”

The real work of being a writer is not glamorous. It takes endurance and dedication to show up every day and type. To weather the days when you feel lost in your plot and you’re not sure if you’ll ever untangle it. To be in the thick of the saggy middle and just keep slogging.

The only way I’ve found to get through the writing doldrums is to stay focused on your why. Why does this story matter? Why do you want to explore these themes? Why have you researched and become so obsessed with this these topics that you have to share them with other people? Why does your voice ache to be heard in this story?

Notice all of these are internal drives. Yes, sometimes a story idea will appeal to both your internal and external drives. Awesome. But if the internal piece isn’t there, you’re less likely to see it through.

You may still have limerent ideas that you want to play with. That’s fine. Set aside a few hours a week to indulge in those. But make sure they’re not taking away from the idea that you love but also scares you a little. The one you’re worried you might not pull off. That fear is a clue that you give a damn about doing it justice. And giving a damn is the only way to override the fear.

So if you’ve got a list of projects right now, do yourself a favor: On a piece of paper, write down each project as a heading. Then underneath, list out the reasons you feel excited about it. Be honest. When you’re done, look for the external validation markers. Any idea that is mostly externally motivated needs to be de-prioritized. Any that feel scary and are also mostly internally motivated should be given more weight.

If you have multiple ideas that fall under the Scary but Internal category, well, consider yourself lucky. You have enough work to keep your out of trouble for a long time. (But I also bet one of these is pulling at you harder than the others so focus on that one.)

I’ve always said that the hardest part about being a writer is to get out of your own way. We get on our own way when we chase ideas that aren’t really ours. We get in our own way when we let fear keep us from writing the stories we really want to write.

The good news is that you have control. You get to decide where you’ll invest your effort. You also get to start today. Right now. Go.

—The Messy Muse