I’ll be honest, for the last week I’ve been feeling a lot of anger. Obvious maybe, if you read my AI post on Friday. But there’s more to it than that. Suddenly, all sorts of things are popping up in relationships, too. I’m noticing things I don’t want to put up with anymore, and instead of just sweeping it under the rug, I’m feeling my anger and making changes in the way I show up.
I’m not sure where this anger is coming from. Maybe it’s perimenopausal rage, maybe there’s some astrological, or maybe it’s just that living in today’s America has caught up with me.
All I know is that the only way through the anger is to feel it. And the best way for me to feel something is to write about it.
In the last several days, I’ve written multiple poems, essays, and letters that I will never send. That’s in addition to the daily writing I’m doing on my work in progress. It’s like I’m cutting myself open to bleed out the bad humors.
I’d like to say the writing has fixed everything, but it’s more that it’s clarified everything. Helped me notice patterns and places where I could show up differently. Places where I need to have better boundaries, too.
One of the places where I need to show up differently is here. After the AI post, I was worried. Did I say too much? Was I too angry? But then I realized that I’m not doing anyone favors if I’m always showing up happy.
When I was in Australia, I learned about trees and plants that are stimulated to regrow after a fire (explanation here). Some hide seeds in their trunks and once the fire passes and burns away the trunk, the seeds are stimulated to grow. Traditionally, the first nation peoples would aid in this process by setting controlled blazes.
As metaphors go, this one is pretty obvious. I just want to add that if you don’t control the fire it will control you. The way not to control the fire is to push down the emotion so much that it has no choice but to roar out of you. Often this leads to wild fire that causes destruction, not regrowth.
This is called The Messy Muse not The Happy Muse. The Messy Muse gets angry. She gets disappointed and discouraged. It’s part of being human, and being human is the foundation for creativity.
If I am only showing up here as a cheerful optimist, I’m not just letting you down, I’m letting myself down, too.
So, yeah, I’ve been angry and it’s been amazing for my writing.
But today I’m feeling a bit more balanced. My son is coming to town on Wednesday to celebrate his birthday with me. He’s turning 23. We’re planning on having lots of amazing meals (it’s New Orleans after all) and hitting museums. Plus I’m sure we’ll stumble on some other fun things since this city always has something going on.
He doesn’t know it yet but he’s an artist. I know this because when I was his age I had no idea I was a writer but there were signs. I see similar ones with him around art. So I’m being a crafty mom/muse and putting experiences and ideas in his path without being pushy.
In other news, I crossed 65k on the novel. I signed up to attend Surrey International Writing Conference in October so I have more motivation to get the draft done. I even signed up to pitch to an agent. This is an old trick I used as an unpublished writer. Putting money and a deadline behind a project is very motivating. The agent pitch means I need to have a done book or pretty near done, which means I have about two months to knock out the rest of this draft. In other words, LFG.
Okay, on to the Tarot prompt for this week:
Today’s reading has two cards because they popped out when I shuffled.
The 9 of Materials (pentacles) and the 7 of Inspiration (wands) from The Muse Tarot.
The 9 of Materials is one of my favorite cards in tarot. I usually call this the “gay divorcee” card because it usually depicts a mature woman hanging out in a garden with wine and a fancy bird. She’s enjoying the abundance she’s earned without anyone around to need things from her.
In this deck, the image is a bit different. She’s a younger woman, playful. There are flowers and succulents that symbolize a garden, but the flowers are falling from a hand in the sky—gifts from the universe.
Nines are the “almost there” cards in their suits. In this suit, the nine represents a time of material abundance and success. It’s not quite reached its full potential (the 10 of pentacles usually depicts a wealthy family, which is interesting because we go from a single woman in 9 to a famliy in 10), but things are good.
On the other hand, we have the 7 of Inspiration. Sevens are obstacle cards in their suits. For the 7 of Wands, most decks have a figure standing on a raised position fighting off the raised wands of opponents. This is card that depicts that with success comes foes—jealous people, competitors, critics. The advice is to stand your ground, you’ve earned this position.
In this deck, the image again is a bit different. The figure is on the ground, head down and naked. Is she using her hands to keep the walls from closing in or is she forcing the walls apart? Either way, she is firmly establishing her boundaries. Remember, too, that this is only the 7—there’s still work to do in the journey of passion represented by the wands. Critics are inevitable on this journey, but in order to keep going you’ve got to figure out how to weather these challenges.
So what does it mean to get both of these cards together? I see these as two sides of the same coin of success. Success brings abundance but it also brings problems. Even as we must remember to celebrate our success we must also be intentional about our boundaries and in defending what we’ve created.
In other words, enjoy the delights of your garden, but be sure the garden walls are fortified. You can’t ignore or pretend intruders are there, but you can make sure you’re prepared to ward them off.
For today’s prompt: Envision what your “garden”—your successful future— will look like. Be detailed. See it clearly. Then imagine that while you’re hanging in your garden, you get a message that a major news outlet has given your book a bad review. How will you ensure that you deal with the fall out of that review while not losing sight of the garden you’ve built? You need strategies—friend you can vent to, activities to help work out the stress, etc—to ensure the inevitable hard things don’t derail you completely.
That’s all from me today. I hope you have a creative week, friends!
-The Messy Muse
As to burning trees - pot ash is fertilizer and the clearing out gives room for new growth!
Good on you to realize/recognize anger and find a productive/positive means of dealing with it - many times as females (especially), we're told to be strong/suck it up/ don't let it bother you - not a good way to live!!
Yaay you!! And thanks for sharing your human-ness!